


Do I love you?

by Senko



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Love, F/M, M/M, Seriously doubting love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:52:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Senko/pseuds/Senko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was originally posted at FF.net in spanish by me. However I translated it.<br/>Hikaru and Haruhi are finally a couple [this starts as a established couple]. however Haruhi starts doubting about their relationship, and some cuestions arrive to her mind and heart.<br/>Tamaki is there, in the shadows [sorry, he only appears at the end] watching everything unfold, until he decides it is the right moment to appear infront of Haruhi with his love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Haruhi was a normal girl, she had friends, maybe not from her exact age but that didn't matter, she wasn't alone, even if the rest of the people thought that.

One day she met a boy, he was her ideal person, nice, polite, someone who she could trust with anything, he supported her in her darkest hours and above all that, he always (no exceptions) told her that he loved her. He said it so confident, that she could tell that he wasn't lying.

She was obviously happy, maybe Hikaru was younger than her, but... does age really matters to love? If she thought about it, she actually didn't mind the age gap, it was only a year gap they had, month if she wanted to be exact, since both of them were in the same year, same course.

Haruhi knew how much love could hurt when feelings were one-sided. When Hikaru finally managed to confess she was extremely happy.

They dated about one month, he was showering her with all his love, everyday, every moment, every second he was with and without her. He never forgot to tell her how she meant the world for him.

However, she wasn't used to receive all this kind of attention, at least not from someone outside her family. Sure, his father kissed her and said she was very pretty, but still, to have someone else telling her the same words, with so much feelings in his words, totally scared her. She wanted to run, to hide, even to avoid physical contact if the feelings got very strong, but her body was another story. Sure, she at first tried to avoid Hikaru, not like the plague like she used to do with Tamaki, but just a little bit more subtle, less evident.

Little by little, due to school (since they still went to school, vacations weren't near them) they started to drift apart, their time together started to be less and less, they almost never managed to be together, and when they were finally together, she was so shy, so timid, that public displays of affection made her as red as a tomato, a single act as an innocent peck on the lips made her blush so furiously that when those shows of affection were going to be done, she tried to avoid them in a very subtle way, after all, she didn't want to hurt his feelings.

She was never loved like he loved her, she was never interested in romantic love. Sure, if people told her how much they love her, she would accept their words, but doubted it really meant something, and if someone by miracle managed to tell her a love confession, she instantly said she wasn't interested at the moment. She hadn't meant to hurt them, she was just being honest. She knew hope could hurt if it was taken too far, so she was direct, strong, she use to repeat to herself "the truth above anything else", even if she knew that the truth could seriously hurt.

But with Hikaru everything changed. She seriously began to cuestion herself because without a doubt she liked him, but...love? Love was a very strong word for her, she didn't think she was able to say it so easily like the boy infront of her. The boy that was his official boyfriend and the boy she seriously started to think about if she wanted him, next to her, romantically speaking.

When she hugged him she asked herself, do I love him?

When she kissed him she asked herself the same cuestion. Do I love him?

She stared into his eyes and the doubt was killing her, since she knew it was unfair for the boy to be with her while she was still clearly unsure of her feelings.

After a few weeks, vacations finally arrived. She was glad, now she could think clearly inside her own bubble, to figure out her real feelings. Or so she thought. The distance made her realize some things she knew were better forgotten. She noticed things that she would have prefered not to notice at all.

With the distance, she missed him (even if she knew that with a phone call he surely would be at her side in a guinnes record time)

She also noticed all the little things he did for her that now she missed. Like how he always would wait for her outside the classroom, how he always said he missed her, how much he loved her, how sincere and pure his words were, without double intentions.

But even then the cuestion still popped to her mind. Is this love?

She couldn't just ask him "Is this love?", since the feelings were her feelings. Sure, if they were Hikaru's feelings everything would be easier since the boy seemed to know very well his own feelings.

But she didn't.

She couldn't figure out her own feelings.

Ater the vacations she still cuestioned herself mentally, never noticing how apart they grew. Their break-up was expected by everyone, maybe except her, since she was still so inside herself analizing her feelings.

The break-up was surreal, everything was so natural that it became scary, all so quiet and calm, lacking so much of feelings that she couldn't believe it, she actually refused to believe that the boy that once told her "I love you" so many times so full of feelings now told her to just break up.

She almost cries.

Almost. She couldn't because her mind was telling her:

_Wasn't this caused by you?_   
_Wasn't this what you wanted?_   
_Isn't this what you caused after always hurting him, even if it was unintentional?_

She thought about those cuestions and realization showed in her heart.

_This is what I deserve_   
_I caused this_

Her logic was, of course, never wrong, however her feelings were very different.

Her heart was shouting, and if she was being honest, it was a miracle that nobody else heard her heart shouting. 

_You let his slip away  
What happened is logic.  
You are hurting yourself  
And what hurts me, is that you are aware of it. Painfully aware.  
You are killing yourself little by little  
Do you think I don't notice?  
Do you think I don't see how you abuse your self?  
I see when you steal glances to him  
And when he discovers you, you only send him a false smile, trying to send the message that you are fine when you totally aren't fine.  
I know, you two are friends  
What a good friend you are if you still have feelings for him  
And I know you still wonder..  
Do I love him?  
Let me tell you the answer  
I don't know._

She still cuestioned herself about the break up, she couldn't make heads or tails, but she arrived to the conclusion that if he thought it was the best solution, surely it was. Most probably, it really was since she knew she had hurt him.

Even if she was older, trying to put the happiness of other before her own, even if she was hurting, killing her soul little by little, she couldn't stop the tears. She finally cries for the first time after weeks of the break up.

It's the first time she allows her tears to flow.

She knows he is now happy, even when all his love, his smiles, his kisses are for another person, even when she sees him hugging another person.

She falls apart.

It's not the first time this happens, it is just that the feelings were never that strong. She is happy to see him finding happiness, even if it isn't by her side, however she is crying when she notices she can't overcome this situation. She knows it's stupid to be crying, that crying isn't going to magically solve her problems, but it feels so good, she decides that to cry is the only option for her at this moment.

She literally wants to die. Her sadness is so strong.

She feels all alone, wanting some kind of comfort, like a hug yet knowing nobody is going to give her one, at least not a hug given by her family. She misses the hugs of a lover, a boyfriend, someone that loves her and not in a family kind of love. A real love.

_I'll be strong_

She repeated that phrase time after time, like a little kid trying to memorize something, it goes without saying that she was failling miserably.

She cries again.

Her tears doesn't seem to have an end, it has gotten to a point where crying isn't healthy, but she doesn't care, she wants to swallow in her own pity, so that when she sees him again she can make herself appear as if nothing is wrong.

And she manages to do just that.

Tamaki, sweet as always, continue her pursue, and she alllowed him to get close to her. Realization coming to her as she is in his arms.

She loved this man. 

Sure, she got happy and surprised when Kaoru confessed his feelings to Hikaru, and to the surprise of everyone, the feelings were mutual. She loved the fanservice both did, she was one of the multiple fans they had, however she was a fan of this brotherly love since she was part of the story. She no longer felt the need to cry whenever Hikaru showered Kaoru with love infront of her. Sure, at the beginning she felt uncomfortable, but now she could even make jokes with them without hurting.

Tamaki was just curious as to how Haruhi accepted him, he never cuestioned her, he adored her. However, he finally noticed how she was now truly happy, right by his side. He still wanted to tell her 24/7 that he loved her and do romantic stuff, but after a little chat with Haruhi (and a private one with Hikaru) we refrained to do so. He never wished to hurt his princess.


End file.
